The Magpie and the Mole, Part 1

I know you’re in there!

– Post 1 in my series Metaphors That Matter: Insights into Life’s Challenges –

It’s a truism, dating back at least to the 1800s, that opposites attract. It’s certainly true with magnets, but is it true with people? We’ve all seen it in movies. The buttoned-down, logical accountant who is enthralled with the bohemian, free spirit. The Hallmark Movie trope of the smart, pretty, child-savvy commoner hired as a nanny by a handsome, single prince (both of whom of course deny falling in love, suffer an interrupted near-kiss, succumb to an embarrassed detente, have a relationship-threatening misunderstanding that could be resolved in a few minutes with a less-formulaic script, separate in anger and despair, and finally, through one character being persuaded to “follow your heart” they are reconciled to their destiny of happiness ever after, sealed with a kiss … pass the tissues). Disney, too, has offered up the likes of Cinderella and the prince, Belle and the Beast, Ariel and Prince Eric, even the Lady and the Tramp. And in Peanuts, Charles Schultz has one character say to the other, “She loves horses. He hates them. They’re perfect for each other.”

As common as it is in movies, it’s less so in real life. Still, less so is not never. Which brings me to the first example of metaphors of life that I have used over the years in relationship counseling. The Magpie and the Mole are, indeed, opposites. In temperament, needs, reactions, and behavior. In my experience, it is usually the case that the wife is the Magpie and the husband the Mole. Not always, but almost. Here’s how this works.

Magpies are people people. They love being with others, sharing life experiences, keeping up to date. And while they can get by for a time using social media, texting, and email, they value talking, especially face to face, above all else. Magpies need to be heard, acknowledged, valued, and appreciated.

Now, consider the Mole, if you can get his attention. Moles are not Magpies. Moles love their holes. They crave solitude, tranquility, and time to destress and process the overload caused from too much time spent on the surface world. They venture hesitantly out of the serenity of their holes into the bright light to accomplish necessary tasks before retreating as soon as duty releases them. Talking about themselves and listening to others “prattle on about nothing” is anathema. He is, after all, a Mole.

So what does life look like when these opposites marry? Often, it’s not pretty. The Magpie, desperate for verbal connection with and validation by the Mole, may begin by enticing the Mole out of his hole with offers of watching his TV shows, serving his favorite meals, and providing marital, uh, favors. When this doesn’t meet her expectations, the Magpie resorts to increasing levels of pleading and then shaming. You can find her head-first in the hole shouting into the darkness, “Please! Let’s just talk a little. You can pick the topic. Or we can play a game (she wants to suggest Twister, but resists). Just sit beside me for a while. I promise to be good. PLEASE!!!”

You can hear the despondency in her voice. And, believe me, so can the Mole. It’s like fingernails on a chalkboard. The more the Magpie tries to turn the Mole into a Magpie, the more Mole he becomes. It’s a vicious cycle that can lead to them living parallel lives that never intersect. As you might expect, the Magpie feels the loss exponentially greater than does the Mole, who is relieved to finally be left alone.

Relationship counseling can be very effective in sorting this out. Unfortunately, Moles are typically resistant to counseling for an obvious reason. It represents what he’s been trying to avoid—talking, especially about himself. Much of his inner workings are a mystery to him, anyway, so why dredge all that muck up? Best leave it lie, undisturbed and unperturbed. But if he still values at least the thought of a restored marriage, there’s hope.

So lesson 1: If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting.

Here’s what I mean. At first it will seem to the Magpie that the brunt of the needed change falls heavily on her. This is because she has long suffered under the mistaken belief that Moles can be enticed out of their holes. When the Magpie finds that her attempts are rebuffed, she ramps up the persuasion, eventually to shrill levels. Of course, if a little doesn’t work, more won’t work either. HE’S A MOLE! Not a broken Magpie.

And lesson 2: Magpies, by their behavior, can have either less or more of their Mole’s attention, but never all. It’s their choice.

The Magpie needs to realize that there are two guarantees (neither of which are good) and one possibility. Guarantee #1: She will never get everything she needs from a Mole. Never. Guarantee #2: She can always get even less by her behavior, and perhaps nothing at all. But—and here’s the possibility—she can get more. And she has to learn to be happy with that, seeking outside girl friends to make up the difference. That’s not a bad thing. It’s a human thing. Nobody can meet all the needs of their spouse. We all need friendships with others geared to supplementing our appropriate needs and desires. This will have the beneficial effect of taking the pressure off the Mole and creating space for him to emerge in his own time. Tentatively, suspiciously, at first. But if he finds the surface world less threatening than before, his forays will likely increase in frequency and duration. He may at least tolerate, if not enjoy, more intimate discussions when he can do them in his time and on his terms.

Of course, all Moles are obligated to rise above their base Mole-ness and serve their Magpies unselfishly, no matter how they’re treated in return. They have an equal responsibility to the flourishing of the marriage. But the Magpie can make it so much easier for him by reining in her base Magpie-ness to serve him unselfishly. If both give, both get.

You may not be either a Magpie or a Mole. If not, and you know one, it might help to pass on this metaphor. But if you see yourself here, there’s hope. Opposites can make for a relatively difficult marriage. But it doesn’t have to be a bad one.

So, yes, I’ve been leaning mostly on you precious Magpies. Just hang tight. Next week I’ll turn our attention to your stubborn Moles. When we’re done, they’ll still be Moles, but they can begin to see how they can find joy in serving the surface world with their unique Mole perspective. Stay tuned to see how that works.