4 Tips for Facing Down Fear

I had moved from the place I loved—Bend, Oregon—to my son and daughter-in-law’s Marina del Rey apartment. They traveled with their business and were home maybe 3-5 days a month, so I wasn’t actually moving in with my kids. I’d simply be their household administrator when they were out of town.

I’ve always thought of myself as brave, as in not afraid to take on new challenges and try new things. But widowhood pulled the plug on some of that. So, while I lived in southern California, I wanted to do as many brave-making ventures as possible. I visited San Juan Capistrano, hiked in the Hollywood hills, and rode my daughter-in-law’s pink rimmed bike to Venice for the fabulous fish tacos and street entertainment. I toured the Getty Villa Museum high in the hills above Malibu and took my time wandering through the Holocaust Museum in downtown L.A.

And then, pain erupted in my neck and shoulder blade that eventually shot down my left arm and caused numbness and loss of strength in my fingers. My health insurance didn’t cover non-emergency care out of state, which meant a long road trip back to central Oregon. On top of that, I was wrestling with the insurance company for accidentally cancelling my policy.

I stopped in the Sacramento area to spend the night with family. The next morning, I pulled away from the curb and let loose with tears. Which completely surprised me. Because I’m the brave girl. But it hit me that there was no one to be my caregiver and I had no idea what was happening with this health incident. (The self-pity lasted thirteen-and-a-half minutes until I located a drive-through Chai latte, which cures a world of ills.)

I wound my way north with loneliness tagging along for the ride. As a new widow, so many things seemed overwhelming. When I learned I wasn’t as courageous as I thought, here are some of the things I practiced to keep fear at bay:

1. Recruit prayer covering

Periodically, I sent email to friends and family who believe in the power of prayer. Prayer isn’t about asking God to give us everything we want. It’s about relationship and conversation with the One who keeps the planets from colliding, the One who contains the waves within their boundaries, the One who gives strength and peace in the middle of our hard places.

2. Pick up your sword

I like to memorize a verse that addresses an issue I’m dealing with—in this case, fear. And then when I find myself going down a fearful rabbit trail, my ‘sword of the Spirit’ is handy. Here’s a good one from 1 Corinthians 16:

 “Be on guard. Stand firm in the faith. Be courageous. Be strong. And do everything with love” (verses 13-14).

If you remember back to fifth or sixth grade grammar, these are all imperatives. (You) choose courage. (You) choose strength.

My commentary says this: “[Paul] shows that they ought to make their hopes of salvation to depend not on Apollos or any other teacher; that it rests with themselves.” Their choice.

My choice. Your choice.

3. Draft a list

When there are multiple pressing matters, I list and prioritize them. This helps keep me organized and on task. Otherwise, I have a tendency to start off in several directions and only make half-accomplishments here and there. Move everything that’s weighing heavily on your mind onto paper or a computer screen. And then begin with the more challenging elements.

My plan at the time was to tackle the health insurance company first. And I was probably going to use the widow card … you know, where you tell the customer service rep that your husband just died of cancer and you’re trying to figure out things on your own. (A girl has to do what a girl has to do.)

4. Play the ‘Top Ten’ game

The rules are simple. You basically list ten things you’re grateful for in the moment. This simple game kept me focused on the good in the middle of deep loss. And there was much good if I looked for it.

Author Peggy Noonan wrote:

“What is life? It is the nice big thing you enter each morning when the alarm goes off and you put your feet on the cool floor and then stand, with your hands on the bottom of your back, and look out the window.”

Life is made up of so many lovely, ordinary, miraculous moments. The ability to get out of bed. A house with floors. And windows. Feet to set on the floors. Eyes to see out the windows.

The coolest thing about the ‘Top Ten’ game is that each time you play, you win.

Life here and now

Turns out, the odd pain and numbness and lack of strength in my fingers was due to a bulging disc. An image-guided cortisone shot took care of the pain and six weeks of physical therapy helped me manage the issue without any returning symptoms.

During those alone years, people often commented on my courage. But the truth is, I wasted a good deal of energy being afraid of things that never happened. Like, becoming seriously ill and having no caregiver and being a burden to someone. And not knowing if I could supplement my early retirement income with writing income. And I was afraid I’d never again have a place of my own that I could call home.

If we can remind ourselves—as often as we need to—that life doesn’t end when tragedy or loss occurs. And it doesn’t start when we realize our dreams and goals. Life is here and now, to be noticed and lived with full hearts of gratitude while wearing the courage of Jesus Christ.