7 Practical Ways to Invest in Your Marriage

Dan and I are still newlyweds—sort of. But before our newlywed years, we accumulated decades of marital experience. Which means, we learned a thing or two.

So we put our heads together and came up with a list of practical ways we can invest in our marriages—nothing earth-shakingly new, but important reminders.

Listen well

I was house- and dog-sitting for my sister-in-law when her housecleaner arrived. I’d met this woman before but didn’t really know her, so as I was baking cookies, I asked a couple of questions about her life. Every time she spoke, I stopped what I was doing and looked her in the eye. I didn’t realize I was doing this until she pointed it out. “No wonder my husband likes me to put things down when he wants to talk. I keep telling him I can do two things at once, that I’m listening. But now I see the difference.”

Yes, there are times we can cook dinner or drive the car and still listen to our children and spouses. But sometimes we need to quiet our hands, look them in the eye, and listen with our whole selves—so they feel heard.

Say, “Thank you”

We would expect marital advice to include a reminder to say “I love you” or “Please forgive me.” But how often are we counseled to say “Thank you” as married couples? Thank you says, “I noticed what you just did.” And who doesn’t want our beloved to notice when we help in an unexpected way?

Timing is everything

If something around the house needs fixing that I can’t fix, I try not to ask my husband in the middle of, say, a football game or as he walks in the door. Wrong timing in both cases.

Oftentimes, I’ll try to give a heads-up to Dan. I’ll say something like, “The sink seems a bit sluggish, but no rush. Just whenever you have time.”

Be smart. Ask for help or bring up a problem after he or she is fed and comfortable and has had a chance to relax at the end of a hectic day.

Fight fair

In the heat of the moment, don’t say something you’ll regret. Because no matter how intensely you apologize, you can’t un-say it and your spouse can’t un-hear it.

Sometimes we women tend to punish our husbands by withholding our words. If something has upset or wounded you, leave the silent treatment back in junior high where it belongs. Let him know what caused your hurt. Instead of being accusatory, try this: “I know you probably didn’t mean anything by it, but when you joked about my cooking in front of your family, I felt  __________.”

Date each other

Dan and I have a standing Friday date night. It oftentimes involves some sort of physical activity in the afternoon—hiking outdoors, cycling at the fitness center—followed by dinner, usually at one of the food truck courts in town because food eaten outdoors tastes infinitely better.

Back when I had little crumb-crunchers, babysitter costs on top of eating out wasn’t in our budget, so I get that. This simply means you need to get creative: like pack a picnic and stroll through the cemetery reading the headstones before settling down to dinner and a game of dominos at a park table.

Choose an activity that will allow you to catch up with each other. The idea is being alone together, talking and flirting with each other, and remembering why you fell in love.

Recognize each other’s top needs

Generally speaking, the #1 need for husbands is unconditional love and acceptance, including the need to be admired. While women also appreciate affirmation and admiration, our top priority leans toward needing security.

Have you ever had a conversation with your spouse about what his/her top needs are? What can you do as a husband to help make her feel more secure in your love for her, or more secure when it comes to financial management? Wives, what is it your spouse does that deserves your admiration, but you’ve become so used to it you don’t even notice anymore? Think about how you can admire him in this coming week.

Make your house a home

One of the basic human needs is shelter. But I wonder how many ‘sheltered’ people in America are lonely in their houses? Or don’t feel loved or accepted? Or safe?

It’s a gift to be able to transform a house into a cozy, inviting haven for our families. Décor certainly is part of this (having furniture the kids can actually sit on is kind of important, right?), but also our attitude and tone of voice and facial expression and the smell of food cooking goes a long way in saying, “Welcome home. Take a load off. You are loved here.”

Since I have the luxury of working out of our home, I can stop and have dinner ready by the time Dan walks in the door after a day working on electrical projects at Ochoco Christian Conference Center.

He speaks his appreciation: “I’m so glad you like to cook.”

Me: “I’m so glad you like to eat!”

Why risk marriage?

This insight from an author unknown:

“Great marriages don’t happen by accident but are small daily acts of intentionality.”

What intention are you planning to make as an investment in your marriage today … and then tomorrow … and the next day … and the next?

If marriage can be challenging—and it can be—then why take the risk? I asked Dan this question and he had a ready answer. “I think God made us to want a mate—someone to work alongside, someone to come home to, someone to love and care for. It’s a partnership.”

He paused as I took notes and then continued his thought: “To me, it gives life extra purpose.”