Wrestling With Myself
“When I think of all that I have to be thankful for, I wonder that you (God) don’t just kill me now, because You’ve done so much for me already & I haven’t been particularly grateful.”
What effrontery! Who would dare be so honest as to put such a thought to pencil and paper?
The quote above is an excerpt from A Prayer Journal by Flannery O’Conner. My wife, Janine, read the journal years ago and suggested I read it, years ago. I, of course, rejected the idea then, for obvious reasons. Reading someone else’s prayer journal is for girls.
For some reason, I was moved to pick it up and take it with me to Latvia on our most recent trip. As I took each page, morning by morning, I was shocked at how the innermost thoughts of a 21-year-old young woman, writing almost 80 years ago, could so deeply resonate with a nearly old man.
The little journal, covering only a year of her life, is refreshingly and deeply honest about the struggles we all have in attempting to balance our spiritual yearnings, our worldly desires, and our lack of understanding. In short, the necessary wrestling that must be done to become the person God made us to be. As I read each day, I felt her struggles and identified with them. Does it ever end? Should it?
Most relevant to me, over the course of our work in Latvia, was her struggle with accepting mediocrity. I find this ironic since she eventually came to be recognized as one of the great American authors of the 20th century, even though she died young.
“Mediocrity is a hard word to apply to oneself, yet I see myself so equal with it that it is impossible not to throw it at myself—realizing even as I do that I will be old and beaten before I accept it.”
“There must be some way to escape it even when you know you are even below it.”
“If I am not this or that that someone else is, may I not be something else that I am that I cannot yet see fully or describe?”
As I observed the incredible talents and hearts of my teammates shine and serve among our Latvian friends, I began to fall into the trap of envying the gifts of others and feeling “less than”. I watched Erika and Janine light up the room with their speaking and teaching skills. I watched as Paul developed a following of young men with his exuberance and skill set. I watched as Tyler directed construction, marveling at how it seemed he could fix and repair anything he put his mind to. I watched as Fred, the tireless servant with the huge heart, consistently jumped in wherever he was needed. I watched as Lyn W. was always in good humor, always ready with good cheer and a helping hand. I watched as Lynn R. used her love of the land to immerse herself in the life of the sheep farm.
It was a recurring observation I made of myself, that I can do none of these things as well as my friends. I was directly confronted with my mediocrity (especially around power tools) and it did not, does not, sit well. I found myself empathizing with Ms. O’Connor in wanting so bad to be more than mediocre. Realizing that in most cases I am less than.
What I was in danger of forgetting was the supreme joy of being part of the body of Christ and rejoicing in seeing all the parts come together, realizing that I had my role to play, nothing more, nothing less. I want to be more than just satisfied with that knowledge. I want it to completely take me.
One of the great values in surrounding yourself with Christ-centered people who know you and love you for who you are is that you can be transparent with them. As I timidly shared some of these feelings, they encouragingly reminded me that I do have gifts and talents of my own and to quit being such a big crybaby. I did not actually hear anyone say the last part out loud.
I did get over myself, for the time being, and returned to being grateful for the team God put together and for being allowed to play my role. I expect the insecurities and petty jealousies for the gifts of others will return, as it seems this is baggage I cannot easily shake. If they do, I will try and remember that “Who the Son sets free is free indeed”. I am free to be the person God created me to be. So are you.
I was left with one regret. Why does my mind continue to revisit these unhealthy pathways? Most likely because of unhealthy pride. I forget that “it” is not about me. It is about glorifying God and serving His people. So, I will finish with one last Flannery quote that might summarize my own situation, at least in part.
“Oh Lord, I am saying, at present I am a cheese, make me a mystic, immediately. But then God can do that—make mystics out of cheeses. But why should He do it for an ingrate slothful & dirty creature like me?”
