My Worst Trait as a Pastor
If you're reading this, you may already know that I served as a pastor for most of my adult life. I continue receiving speaking opportunities even now for which I'm grateful. I feel gifted and called to be a pastor.
Unfortunately, everyone brings their weaknesses and character faults into any occupation or vocation, myself included.
My worst trait as a pastor was that I was a people pleaser. I was more concerned about what people thought of me more than what God thinks of me. To use the biblical phrase in Proverbs 29:25, "the fear of man brings a snare; but he who trusts in the Lord will be exalted."
Being a people pleaser, a person who is concerned more about what people think and can do to us, has multiple origins.
Mostly, people like me who are people pleasers have identity and insecurity issues. I worry what other people think of me. Or what they can do to me. As a Christ follower, I hadn't really grasped my identity in Jesus. So, I was reluctant to speak what was on my mind. I often ended up saying to others what I thought they wanted to hear, not what they needed or should have heard.
And as a Christian in leadership as well as a husband and father, that is deleterious to the relationships in my life. Others suffer because of the mixed messages I sent out.
But glory to God, he has accomplished substantial healing and growth in my life. I'm not there yet (far from it!) but I've come a long way to speaking the truth in love. Here's how it's happening:
I've experienced substantial inner healing by the power of the Holy Spirit applying the gospel to my soul.
Hebrews 9:14 says, "how much more will the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered himself without blemish to God, purify our conscience from dead works to serve the living God."
The verb "purify" in the ESV is in the future tense, which of course looks ahead but also has an ongoing sense to it.
The Holy Spirit speaks to us of the gospel, the shed blood of Jesus which covers our sin and shame past, present, and future.
I identify with the fourth verse of the hymn Just as I Am:
Just as I am, poor, wretched, blind;
Sight, riches, healing of the mind;
Yes, all I need, in Thee to find,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come!
I've learned that many (not all!) of my thoughts, ideas, and observations I was afraid to share actually had merit.
I'm more of a thought leader than a doer. I've been put in Christian leadership without the requisite leadership gifting.
But I can honestly say as a reflective, introverted intuitive personality, I sometimes observe things that others don't see right away. I sometimes have insights that are valuable to share with others.
Proverbs 20:5 says, "The purposes of a man's heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out." Sometimes I'm the person drawing out the insights; sometimes it's someone else drawing them out of me.
Whatever the case, I've gained confidence to speak my thoughts as long as I qualify my words that I may be wrong!
Finally, in moving away from people pleasing, I've learned to speak my mind with the fewest words possible.
Proverbs 10:19 says, "When there are many words, transgression is unavoidable. But he who restrains his lips is wise."
Likewise Proverbs 17:28: "Even in silence a fool is considered wise..."
When engaged in conversation, I ask questions or make short definitive statements. I've gained the courage to say things like, "You look tired today, is everything ok?". Maybe I don't say anything.
Maybe I'm right; often I'm wrong.
But human relationships are too important to let the fear of what others might say or do to me stop me from speaking the truth in love.