Coming Alongside

My daughter Summer was with us as her dad was dying of cancer in the hospital bed in our living room. Her cell phone chirped. It was the international adoption agency. “We have a referral for three brothers who would do well in a family with children. Are you interested?”

Summer’s husband Josh was at home in New Jersey with their three biological children. They hadn’t signed up for three more kids.

After much prayer and numerous conversations between the Pacific and Atlantic time zones, they made the decision: “Yes, because we have an eight-passenger van. Yes, because we have enough bedrooms. Yes, because we have access to healthcare, and we have food and a roof over our heads. Yes, because we have an overflow of love to give away.”

That was nine years ago, and the three brothers have flourished in so many ways. But they also knew significant trauma during their formative years, and the repercussions don’t magically disappear upon entry into the U.S.

My daughter and son-in-law understand that they can love the boys, feed them nutritious meals, set safe boundaries, and speak truth into their lives. But they can’t heal the brokenness inflicted by early childhood distress.

As Josh and Summer embrace this remarkable journey, Dan and I see our roles as coming alongside them and supporting them in 4 specific ways:

1. Prayer

Prayer is first on the list. Jesus taught His disciples to pray: “Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.” – Matthew 6:10

It’s a prayer I pray frequently: “Father, your will be done in the lives of these precious boys as you have determined in heaven. Please get them to the place of being successful men, as you measure success.” There is no coincidence in their assignment to this family. This was a divine appointment.

What if…
we could put the adoptive/foster families in our church on our prayer lists, and determine to lift them before the throne of God frequently?

2. Hang time

When the grandkids visit us in Bend, we like to do outdoor things with them—tubing, hiking, kayaking, camping, fishing—all the while listening and talking in between the hollering and laughter.

The boys enjoy making food. At home, their mom is in the kitchen to feed her family and then get back to her online college coursework. In our kitchen—because when they’re here, we’re all on vacation—I let them slice and dice and stir. And Grandpa Dan lets them pour the pancake batter, arrange the blueberries, and flip their over-sized flapjacks. As a result, there have been numerous conversations in our kitchen while preparing food.

What if…
we could find fun ways to hang out with adopted kids to give their parents a bit of a break—whether outdoors or in the kitchen? Or in any other location?

3. Reinforcement

Grandpa Dan and I are all about affirming the parents’ decisions on everything from screen time to bedtime. When we’re the adults in charge at their place, especially during the school year, we get into their business: “Did you do your homework?” “When was the last time you showered?” “Come back here and clean up this mess!”

We want to be the fun adults, of course, but we also want to work with—and not against—the guidelines that have been set for our grandkids’ safety, health, and development.

What if…
we could reinforce and speak into the lives of the children in our church who have experienced a deep life challenge at a young age?

4. Understanding

My generation didn’t have the resources, training, or understanding of trauma-induced behaviors that are available today. My daughter has been a great source of information and has loaned several books for me to read through the years.

I am coming to understand better how “early trauma and stress can have a lasting effect on development, triggering delays in social competence and significantly altering a child’s brain chemistry” (National Institutes of Health). Learning more about what my adult children and my bio and adopted grandchildren are dealing with helps me in my support role.

What if…
we could better understand what foster and adopted kids and parents are experiencing, and not stand in judgment when big behavior occurs? And what if we could be cheerleaders and encouragers and kind-truth-speakers to those on the frontlines of caring for children who have come from hard places?

Coming alongside

Any adoption story is a beautiful picture of how God wanted us in his family. Even though he knew that it would get messy, he still chose us:

“In love He predestined us to be adopted as His sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with His pleasure and will.” – Ephesians 1:4-5

How much time and effort and work and second chances and forgiveness and patience has God invested in my life alone? In your life?

I think our heavenly Father wants us to see ourselves and our fellow believers as adopted kids with fragmented areas that need his ongoing touch. He wants us to come alongside each other with support and encouragement, in prayer, in fellowship and fun, reinforcing his words of truth and life to each other.

When my daughter and son-in-law adopted three young brothers with trauma in their past, they embarked on a beautiful journey that also carried brokenness, a journey that would transform and re-route their lives and the lives of their bio and adopted children.

Josh and Summer are honest in relating their experience to other prospective adoptive parents when asked. No rose-colored glasses are worn during those conversations. But they are also quick to say, “As hard as it’s been, we would do it all over again.”

I think God would say the same of us: As challenging as it’s been, I love these kids. I would die all over again for them. I would adopt them all over again even though it’s been messy. Because they’re my kids.